Exciting and a Little Scary!

Today I got to see my Cousin Jak and his wife Calaya and their baby Trigg while they were in town. My other cousin Logan was there too so it was a lot of fun. We hung out talking and then we went out back while the kids went swimming. Chase was so good to stay away from the pool and sat on my lap laughing at all the craziness in the pool. Jak was throwing his nephews around in the pool and Chase thought it was hilarious.

Towards the end of the swimming Chase started cleaning up. There were water bottles around so he was picking them up and putting them on the table. He started walking towards the hot tub. Andrew noticed and tried to stop him. Funny thing about Chase, if he thinks you are trying to catch him he will run. I came at him from the other direction but he was too fast and ran straight into the hot tub. It was so fast but the three seconds it took Andrew to grab him seemed like minutes. He came out crying for just a second but he stopped pretty soon after and wanted to "swim" again. YIKES! I was so suprised how calm I was and how good he handled it. I am just really glad we were out there!

Kids and Christmas

I have always felt a little weird about the "what did you get for Christmas?" interrogation. I was especially worried about it this year for my kids. We were blessed this year with some Secret Santas out there who blessed our lives in more ways than just gifts. When my kids got the interrogation of "what did you get?" Cole said, "because of some very kind and special people we were blessed with gifts. It doesn't matter what they are. The important thing is that we were LOVED!" How blessed am I first to have heard this conversation and second to have such incredible kids. It is true, some VERY kind and wonderful people blessed our family with gifts and clothing. But the lessons my kids and lets face it, I learned this year will always be treasured. We may not remember next year this toy or this pair of pants, but we will ALWAYS remember the kindness of others. We will ALWAYS remember the generosity. I am incredibly humbled this year. I am incredibly transformed this year and I could NOT be more grateful for that piece of growth.

Lessons of Christmas

I'm not gonna lie, I was a little discouraged that I wasn't going to be able to provide Christmas gifts for my kids. I did, however, know that it would still be incredibly special. I knew that my kids could handle it. They are incredible. That doesn't mean that they don't ever ask for anything. They are still kids afterall :) I love that they are willing to get creative about what to do and how to share our love with others. We talked about Christmas Caroling. We are still going to do that :) They have done special chores and they help without me asking. I find little cutout hearts all around. They think it is hilarious when I am confused about the heart in the middle of the floor until I realize that they cleaned up. I love that they have learned how to give without actual things.

However, there are some angels out there who are so kind and thoughtful. I wish I knew who to thank. I wish I knew who could be so kind. Then it hit me. I need to be thankful to my Savior. They are on HIS errand. What an amazing lesson for my children. I came home crying after a secret santa dropped off something and the kids were concerned. When I told them someone kind is helping us it was a great lesson on when we are in a place to help others we should. I know that in the future when times are better, I will NEVER pass an Angel tree and not take a name. I will NEVER pass a bell ringer and not give something.

These lessons are important! I am thankful for the opportunity my kids have to learn the importance of giving, the importance of sharing, the importance of LOVE for your fellow men. I feel very blessed. I am so thankful for the outpouring of love for our family. If it is YOU than you have my thanks and love. You are WONDERFUL!

Happy Birthday Chase!

Happy Birthday to the most adorable, sweet and funny 2 year old! He is truly fun to have around. He has a way of making everyone happy and everyone he meets just wants to squeeze him. Unfortunately he isn't so squeezable. He is incredibly independent and wants to be big so bad. He runs around and sings all day long. He has the sweetest little voice. Today he has run around singing "tday is my birfday dah nah nah nah nah nah" This makes me happy. He has this incredible sense of humor. He loves to trick people. His abolutely favorite game is telling Papa Porter to sit and then as Papa goes to his chair Chase runs and yells "got your spot!" Then he laughs and laughs. It is so funny! He likes to hide inside my cupboards and then when I walk past he opens it and scares me to death. He is really good at it. I am one lucky mommy!

Bummed

I am excited about spending Christmas with my family, I really am but I find myself bummed this year. I go through really happy times and then all of a sudden I will be hit with such force that will make me so sad. I wish I could shake it. I mean seriously? I am supposed to be the happiest person alive! I used to be the life of the party. I used to be able to have fun anywhere I went. Why do I find myself stuck. I am scared to go places alone and I just feel lonely. These are the times I turn to my Heavenly Father but there is just something about having a friend you can call at anytime and just vent, or laugh, or cry with. I just wish it would go away so that I could enjoy the season with my family. Tomorrow I will. Tomorrow I will put on my happy face and face the day. Tomorrow...

The Spirit of Christmas

On the way to taking the kids to school today the kids and I were talking about Christmas. We were talking about how much more fun it is to GIVE presents than it is to GET presents. Cole leaned over to me and asked if I would help him with his present for Kiley and Wyatt. He said he wants to make cookies on Christmas morning for them. He asked what their favorites were. Then Kiley said "I have the BEST idea!" she wants to pack up all our Halloween candy in cute Christmas baggies and take them around and go Christmas Caroling. She said "that is like GIVING a gift and Getting one too!" When I asked how she said "I will get to do something I LOVE!" I love these kids. They remind me everyday how to love and how to show it. I am thankful for their influence on me. Their special, kind hearts make mine melt. This Christmas is proving that it will change all future Christmases and I am so THANKFUL for that!

On This Day...12 Years Ago

On December 4, 1999 Andrew and I went on our first "real" date. Sounds weird but our whole dating time was spent doing homework in the library and watching videos at home. He told me he had heard about this great restraunt at the Hyatt Regency, Gainey Ranch. We got all dressed up fancy and went to the Sandalo restraunt. Before we left I had been pretty upset so we sidetracked to his mom's house to see his sister's group eating for Winter Formal. Then at the Sandalo we were seated and the waiters SING the menu to you. It is so funny. I can't remember much of the songs but I do remember him singing "primavera pasta will make you fat." sung to the tune of Prima Donna. It was pretty awesome. At dinner Andrew cleared the table and took both my hands and said he needed to ask me a serious question. I said "fine! You can borrow my car ;) It was so funny then he said "no! What kind of peanut butter do you like? Crunchy or Creamy?" We then talked about peanut butter for a while.

After dinner we went and rode the Gondola's. It was so fun and so romantic. We laughed when the gondolier asked if we were there for a special occasion because most people go to get engaged. I laughed and said nope. Just here on a date. (little did I know how annoyed Andrew was at the Gondolier for ruining his suprise) After the ride we went for a walk. At the time I had a thing with sitting on every bench we walked by so that we could say that that was a bench we had sat on. (It was just a phase.) When we finally got to where Andrew wanted to be, next to the water so we could here the Gondolier singing, it was too late and they were packing up the boats. LOL. My bad. Andrew sat next to me on "our bench" and asked me to be his Eternal Companion. When he handed me the ring the box was closed. I said "yes! A BOX!" (I really thought he was kidding! and I also thought the ring was fake.) I almost threw it in the lake. Yikes! Sometimes my craziness gets me into trouble. heehee. I said yes and the rest is history.

Here we are 12 years later with four amazing kids, a comfortable home, and all the Love in the world. How lucky am I???

Christmas time!

I love this time of year! I love that it is the Christmas Season and also Chase's birthday month. He makes the holidays even more fun! I am so excited to have a true, meaning of Christmas year. There will not be shopping. There will not be stressing. There will be a lot of story telling, a lot of Scripture reading, a lot of baking, and most importantly a whole lot of LOVE! I am hoping the kids will love it as much as I do. I am so thankful for the amazing people they are becoming. They inspire me. They are so humble. They don't ask for outrageous things. They are truly amazing. I am in awe of the love they have for our family. MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Thankful Heart

I have been very sick the last few days and so I have had a lot of time to think. This has been one of the most incredibly difficult years of my life. I have been in the pits of depression and felt so low at times, BUT, yes! a there is a but... I have never felt such peace and such happiness as I do now. I am so very Thankful for the wonderful family I have been blessed with. I am Thankful for the best Visiting Teacher a girl could ever ask for. I am Thankful for a husband who takes care of me when I am sick or down or just cuz I need him to. I am Thankful for parents who teach me and love me no matter what. I Thankful for the friends who stuck by me through some of the biggest trials of my life. I am so Thankful for a loving Savior who never forgot me, who is mindful of the blessings I need in my life. He truly loves me, He truly loves all his children. I am THANKFUL for that KNOWLEDGE! I will cherish some of these hard times. I will look on them and know that that is when I became strong. I am Thankful for the women who prepare Relief Society lessons just for me. (Isn't that so kind of them?) At the end of this month I wanted to make sure I recorded that I am in deed Thankful!

Ugh

I have been tired before but this was beyond anything I have ever felt. I went to the boutique on Saturday and sat in the sun for 7 hours. When I got home I had the seizure of all seizures. I was trying to wipe off the table and my arm physically could not take it. I felt paralyzed. I was SO tired and that is saying something. I laid on the couch and the seizure hit. It was so fast. I usually get warning but it was less than a minute. Andrew moved me upstairs because the kids kept touching me and when I have a seizure it hurts to be touched! I fell asleep bawling and woke up feeling so sick. I am still sick and this is totally unlike me. I usually feel better the next day even if it is the flu. I hope it goes away soon because this mommy can't take it much longer :(

Boutique!

I am doing another Boutique this Saturday. It is going to have a lot of different vendors, hence the Boutique ;) It will be this Saturday from 7-3pm. Come support several Stay at home moms trying to provide Christmas cheer :) Plus Our lines are much shorter!

455 N 95th Place Mesa, AZ. It is off of university and the street immediately east of the canal before Ellsworth.

Christmas!

I have been feeling a little down lately. Nothing like before, but anyhow I decided to cheer myself up today! I totally decorated my house for Christmas! I love it! I love the little lights, I love the way it makes my house feel homier. I LOVE it! I definately brought myself out of the funk. (for now) It helps that I was totally productive today too. We took the kids to their Fall Festival at school, had tons of fun and all three kids won a school T Shirt. (another one of those blessings) We decorated the inside of the house for Christmas and I went and saw Breaking Dawn by myself. The only problem now is I need to read the book to see how it ends. I hate two part movies! ;) Guess its about time to crack them open. Happy Holidays!

Teaching Moments

On Monday we had friends over for dinner. Andrew was talking to Wyatt and noticed that Wyatt's glasses were missing a lens. Wyatt didn't know when or where he lost it so we searched. I tried to bribe our friend'd children into helping find it but no one could find it. I was starting to panic because there is no way we can afford new glasses and he gets headaches without them. The next morning I completely cleaned the boys room, no lens. Then I completely cleaned Kiley's room, no lens. Then I cleaned the playroom, no lens. So we went into the backyard and had a hunt, not there either. That is when Wyatt said "WAIT! We need to pray!" How could I have forgotten? We knelt down and said our prayer. Wyatt asked for us to be able to find the lens. I stopped panicing because last year this same thing happened with Kiley's glasses and they were found. I dropped the kids off at school, came home and went through all the toys. No luck so I gave up. When I went to pick up the kids from school, Guess what!? A kid in Wyatt's class FOUND the lens, in the rocks, on the playground! They weren't even scratched! We immediately went home and had a Thanksgiving Prayer. Wyatt just looked at me and said "of course we found it. I prayed!" I love these kids and all that they can teach me. :)

Help!

I just found out that I have to requalify to sell my jewelry. I really need some help. I have to have 5 shows in the next 30 days! There are great incentives to being a hostess. If anyone is interested in helping me out, while getting tons of FREE jewelry, Let me know asap!

Birthday Boy

Happy 10th Birthday Cole Porter Knudsen! This is one incredible young man. When I asked him what he wanted for his birthday he said "I just want to go on a date with Mom." How did I get so lucky with this amazing boy? He makes me laugh, he makes me smile and he warms my heart. He got to go hiking with Dad for his birthday yesterday morning and then he went out with me last night. It was so fun. I love having alone time with him and getting to know him better. Here are Ten Great things about Cole...

1. Cole is the most helpful child I have ever met. He is always willing to help with the dishes, vaccuming, windows and bathrooms.

2. Cole is always making other kids happy.

3. Cole has grown up so much this last year. He is becoming so much more mature and handling issues "his way"

4. Cole has a desire to learn more about the Gospel and he LOVES to go to church and learn more.

5. Cole loves to be big. He takes great pride in the fact that he is almost as tall as I am now.

6. Cole is the sweetest boy. If you are down (which has been me for the past year) He does everything in his power to make you smile. He truly wants everyone to be happy.

7. Cole loves school. He is in the orchestra this year and loves every second of it.

8. Cole loves that he has two cousins on missions. Spencer is in Chile and Brandon in the Ukraine.

9. Cole has the greatest laugh ever!

10. Cole is my only first born and I love how much he has grown and how big his heart is!

I was telling him this morning about him as a baby. When he was being delivered I was doped up on an epidural and was literally laughing while pushing him out. We were telling jokes and having a great time. If all labors could be like that I could have tons of kids. BUT he was special. He could tell you all his shapes when he was 18 months old. It is strange to be the new kid in nursery and being able to say "hey that is a trapezoid!" I knew he was incredible from the beginning. He is a sensitive soul. This can be great and also a problem. He loves everyone and he always has. I was telling him about when he was little he would run around the island in Grandpa and Grandma Porter's kitchen and Grandpa would chase him. That was his FAVORITE game. He also loved playing Lamb and Lion. He loved playing the Lamb while Grandpa would eat him. He would laugh so hard. He has these incredible big eyes that tell you everything he is feeling. I love this sweet young man. Happy Birthday Cole!

Holiday Boutique

I am so excited for Saturday morning. I am participating in a Holiday Boutique with some friends in East Mesa. I am bringing all my jewlery with some fantastic specials, we are having candles, skin care, treats and much much more! If you want details about it let me know. I hope a lot of people will come and support us.

I need a Lottery Ticket!

I swear I need to play the lottery. LOL I took Cole to scouts and my friend Sarah called me and said that ABC Dentistry was having a grand opening party with free food and bounce houses so I took Kiley and Wyatt and headed over. When we got there they were having a raffle and free Jamba Juice. Whats not to love? I entered all four kids into the raffle and WON TWICE! The funny thing it was both boys that weren't there that won. Chase and Cole :) They let us win anyway so I won two board games, Apples to Apples and Rummikub. Then Chase's name was called and I won a Pedicure!! I SOOOOO wanted this! I have been telling Andrew that is what I want for Christmas. (Since money has been so tight) I seriously can't believe that that is what we got. I feel so blessed. I know they are stupid and materialistic but seriously a girl needs that every once in a while :) Thanks Sarah for calling me!

Have you herd?

Tonight was our Ward's Trunk or Treat and we had a cowboy that brought his herd of cattle. :) They were so funny and totally cute! I am glad that they had so much fun and that we could take our friends Scott and Tana and their boys with us. As Kiley said tonight, Good food, Good friends, Good fun!

Happiness Is...

Happiness is different things for everyone but today I feel so happy I thought I'd share a few.

1. Happiness is waking up and putting on a sweater.
2. Happiness is hearing the kids in the other room talking and laughing with each other.
3. Happiness is kid kisses.
4. Happiness is making cookies.
5. Happiness is being around family.
6. Happiness is having good people in your life.
7. Happiness is knowing that I am great just the way I am.
8. Happiness is knowing that my kids are happy.
9. Happiness is the HOLIDAY Season!
10. Happiness is being married to the most incredible man in the world! I am one lucky lady!

I am thankful for having peace in my life. I have gone through such a terrible depression and I am so thankful that I am finally pulling out of it. I am so thankful to be able to enjoy my family. I love being with them and seeing all the incredible things they can do.

Sick?

With Wyatt I can not tell when he is sick. He acts totally normal but he is a little more sensitive. He gets mean too. SO...when I take him to the doctor and say "he is being mean" the nurse always looks at me like I am crazy but the doctor knows us well enough to know that he probably has an infection somewhere. She had him open up his mouth and said "oh dang! I think it is strep." I knew it. Chase had it two weeks ago. He wasn't showing symptoms either. So, Wyatt was home yesterday and today. Obviously the meds are working because yesterday he slept all day and today he is running around singing to Chase. I love it. I am so glad he is feeling more like himself. But we BOTH miss school ;) LOL I must say I miss his face and it has been fun to have him around for a few days with just Chase. He makes me happy!

Joy

I have been thinking about joy today. What brings you joy? I have to say that today my kids bring me j0y. On our way to school my kids were discussing why their school won't let them wear costumes to school. I wanted to see what they came up with before I told them the reason. They talked it through. Cole said well, It would be fun because we would be so silly. I asked how would your schoolwork go if it were so silly. Kiley said "I would not be able to stop laughing." Wyatt said "I can't concentrate when it is silly." So then the lightbulb hit! WAIT! We can't wear costumes we would never pass our tests! I love these kids. I love to watch their brains figure things out and I love that I get a glimpse into their thought process. They are so cute.

Chase was ready for a nap so I said come get a diaper and a bottle for nigh night. He looked at me and with his little scowl yelled "KISS FIRST!" I love these kids! I am one lucky mommy!

Enough

Today was a great day at church. The spirit was so strong. I LOVED Sarah's lesson on Women are Icredible! I sat and watched as she showed the different ways of seeing how we deal with our days. I never thought about it in the eyes of our Savior. When I say "I am not worth it" or "this is too hard" am I really telling my Savior to not bother? REALLY!? I am worth it. It is tough. I am tough. I am enough. I will wholeheartedly accept the help from my Savior. I will do everything in my power to be worthy of His help. I have been thinking a lot lately about the way we as women speak about ourselves. Do we think "I am beautiful!" No, we say, "I am too fat, I don't look right in my clothes, I am totally ugly." This is in no way at all healthy or even acceptable! We become what we think we are. If you say "I am ugly" then, I believe, you begin to act ugly. I want to be beautiful inside and out but first I must take care of my inside :) I am so thankful that Sarah gave such a strong powerful lesson. It wasn't lost on me and I am going to really apply it to my life. I am thankful that I get to go listen to these inspired words that help me throughout the week. What an incredible blessing! Guess what? I am ENOUGH!

Winner!

I won more tickets from the radio! This time they are for Billy Idol at the Arizona State Fair. First section row 8!!! Only problem, it is on Sunday! BOO!!! So if you know anyone who wants free tickets let me know.

Loveliness

I have been feeling so happy these past few days. It has been so fantastic! I have energy, well some ;), and I just want to have fun and be with my fantastic little family. We have had a fabulous weekend with the Ghost town and then on Sunday we went and took pictures at the Temple. It was so wonderful to feel the spirit there. The kids were calm for the most part and there was no fighting or contention. It was wonderful to look around and see the beauty of the Lord's house.

On Monday we spent the day together making Halloween crafts and decorating up our house for the holiday. Today, I took the kids on a picnic where we played baseball, until I lost the ball, Yeah, I am that good! ;) Then we played kickball and even Grandpa wanted in on the fun! It was so nice to just be at peace. To feel the love of my family and to feel the Love of my Savior. I am feeling at peace. I feel happy and content and I pray it will last!

Ghost Town Family Pics

Our cousin Melissa came to town so we decided to go do some pictures at the old Ghost town north of Apache Junction. I am so happy with them. It was a lot of fun going exploring and seeing all of the old things there. The kids had a blast and it wasn't like pulling teeth to get pictures. :)

Pooped

I am seriously tired. I am so happy that I am not depressed anymore or I wouldn't be able to get out of bed. I am so vitamin deficient that it is difficult to get through the day. Now Chase is so much more active. He gets into EVERYTHING and I am just plain pooped out. I hope my body will start regulating these things better soon so that I can enjoy him small. It is hard knowing he is my last baby. I love him so much but he is CrAzY! LOL

Its a New Day

The past two weeks with Women's Conference and General Conference leave me feeling edified. I am SO thankful that we get to experience such an abundance of love from the Leaders of our Church. I feel like my entire being has been filled and I FEEL loved. I KNOW that the Lord is aware of me and my struggles. I KNOW that He is the one who carried me through them. I am so Thankful for that. How blessed are we to have this all encompassing love in our lives? I am truly thankful and truly happy. I am going to make every effort to make sure this feeling lasts!

Happy Birthday!

Today the Love of My Live turns 34. I am so thankful for him and am amazed by him every single day. He is wonderful and I am so blessed to have him in my Life! I would list all of the things I love about him but there are too many to count. I am so lucky to have met him and I get to KEEP him!!! Yay for me! I'm the winner! :)

What a Weekend!

I had such a great weekend! I LOVED the General Relief Society Meeting! I loved going with my mom and my sister Shellee and our good friend Stephanie. I loved President Uchtdorf's talk about Forget Me Nots. I went to the meeting feeling so low! I had had a terrible weekend. Our Suburban needs to be fixed and it is going to cost over $1,000. So I was pretty down. Then right before we went Chase grabbed Wyatts glasses and broke them! I was so discouraged! I went to the meeting seeking solace and refuge from my troubles. It totally worked! I was praying that I would feel spiritually fed. I feel like the meeting was intended for me! It was incredible. I grabbed my mom's notebook and ripped out pages so that I could take notes. I just cannot wait for Conference now. I want to record a quote that really hit home for me from Sylvia Allred

"Charity is having patience for people who have let us down"

I truly felt the importance of this message. I have definately been let down by people I loved. BUT I have also let many others down. The one good thing is how strong I have become. A few months ago this quote would have made me feel terrible. Right now this makes me realize how wonderful the Gospel is! How blessed I am to have this feeling. I feel peace and more importantly LOVED! I still have my days but I am so happy to know these truths!

Another quote this one from Elder Uchtdorf that really hit me was

"No matter how dark the days may seem. He loves you with an infinate Love."

We are not forgotten. We are constantly being loved and rooted for. He wants all his children to return again. What an incredible feeling!

"The Love of the Savior is redemptive of your shortcomings!"

I will forever be thankful that I went to the meeting. I needed to record the feelings that I felt that night.

On Sunday we had our Primary Program and it was Incredible! I was crying all through Scripture Power which really suprised me. I have heard that song SO many times. It has never touched me like yesterday though. To see all these beautiful young children raising their scriptures as one. They LOVE the scriptures. They are the future. And they are so strong and so faithful! I am so lucky to have three of those primary kids as my own. I loved watching it. It was the first time in 16 years that I was able to watch it. I have always been a teacher. I loved being able to listen to the spirit there. I loved this weekend. I want to bottle it up and keep it forever!

Toothless Wonder!

My poor sweet little Wyatt had to have surgery this morning on his mouth. They told me he needed a root canal but when they tried to do x-ray's last week his mouth was too small to get a good picture. This morning we went and he went under anesthesia and they redid the x-ray. He ended up with 3 root canals, 4 fillings and they had to pull his front tooth.

He did so good! He was so hilarious though. When we were sitting there waiting for his anesthesia to kick in he was hilarious. He kept saying "hey mom remember my brother? Whats his name?" I would say it is Cole and he said "oh yeah thats right!" When I asked what he wanted to say about Cole he said "thats it. He's Cole!" :) It was like he was drunk. He kept trying to stand up and then he would fall over. When he looked up on the wall he saw a picture and he said "OH a BED!" He was so cute and so small. It really makes you realize how fragile and little they really are. I am so glad that everything went well. He will feel so much better when the soreness is gone.

When Will it End?

I am getting so tired of being depressed. I can be having the best day and suddenly WHAM! I am in the saddest mood. I am sure it totally affects my kids. They are all having a hard time right now. I am pretty positive it is my fault. How can you feel secure when your mom is so up and down? I wish I knew what to do. I am not ok with taking meds anymore. I don't like what they do to my brain. I try to give service, maybe I need to give more. I just can't get out of it. I wish there was a way to just get better. I try so hard especially in front of the kids. The other day I realized that my sudden recluse behavior has caused my kids to lose most of their friends. They want to go play and have fun but with who? I feel so bad, all the time. I just wish everything would be ok.

Thankful Heart

Today I am so incredibly thankful for Andrew. He is my rock, my friend, my sounding board, and my everything. He is willing to help even when he doesn't feel well. On Saturday I felt so sick! Andrew let me sleep all afternoon while he cleaned out the kitchen cabinets and cleaned the stove and oven and pulled it out and cleaned everything. I was dreading this job! I felt so loved when he did it while I was asleep. The kids were so helpful and together they got the job done. On Sunday Chase got sick and threw up all over me! Andrew is so good to help with the kids when they don't feel good. He is our in house doctor :)

Today he took Cole, Kiley and Wyatt to the dollar movie so that they could have fun today for the holiday. I love that he tries to be involved with them and all that is going on in their lives. He is such a good dad. He is such a good example to them and I am thankful he has chosen to be with me. Even when I am crazy and he has to help pick up the pieces. He is amazing. I love him and can't believe I get to be together forever. How lucky am I?

Great Weekend!

Friday Night I went with Andrew to see Josh Groban in concert. It was so amazing. How many singers sound better in person than they do on CD? He was incredible. Not to mention funny! I felt so blessed to be there, and for FREE! ;) It feels like a dream it all happened so fast! I loved having a perfect date night with the Love of my Life! I even cried when Josh sang "You Are Loved" I think this is going to be my new anthem. If you don't know the song check it out on You Tube. It sums up my life. I am so glad that I was able to go.

On Saturday I had so much fun with my mom and sister. We went and painted popcorn bowls. Then went to lunch. It has been so long since we have hung out together. I just had such a fun weekend. It has been a long time since I have just relaxed and enjoyed myself and felt like me.

WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER!

I was sitting in my house enjoying the quiet while Chase took a nap and playing on Facebook when I notice a message from Mix969 offering free tickets to JOSH GROBAN! You had to be caller whatever, there were 4 numbers. The last one was 24. I called and thought surely this is over it had been 4 minutes. I called on the offchance it was still going and the guy says "What would you say if I said you were caller 24?" I said "you would be my new best friend!" he said "I guess you got yourself a new best friend!!" WHAT! I won!!!!!! Best date night EVER!

Lost

I have some good days and some really rough days. Mostly I just feel lost.

First Day of School!!!

Wyatt is so TINY!!

Kiley ready for 3rd Grade!

Cole 4th Grade

The kids ready for their first day of school!

School Daze

I LOVE school! I mean it is like Christmas for Parents! BUT for some reason this year I am a little nervous to send Wyatt to school. He is just so small but crazy spunky! He will be fine. I am just a little overprotective of my little daredevil. He is so much fun and I am excited for him to meet some new friends and get some new experiences. He is ready. He was born ready ;) I will miss him during the day. He said "don't worry I'll come home when I'm done!" I heart him!

WYATT IS 5!

This little cutie pie is turning 5 in the morning. He is so excited to be a "big kid" He can't wait to start kindergarten next week. Here is 5 things I love about my baby cakes.
1. I LOVE Love love his smile!
2. I love his sense of humor. This kid is truly funny!
3. I love how caring and considerate he can be. For his birthday he wants us to fix Cole's bike.
4. I love how fearless he is. He will try anything, eat anything especially if Grandpa does it :)
5. I love how he loves. He truly cares about everyone.
I love him with all my heart. He is wonderful and spunky and keeps me on my toes!
Happy Birthday Baby Cakes!!!

Friends

I have been thinking a lot about friendship lately. I am thankful for true friends. I am suddenly aware of how rare they really are. I try my very best to be a true and loyal friend. I am pretty easy going and love to just go with the flow. Sometimes this can get me into trouble. LOL But I am thankful for the friends that support me no matter what is going on. You know who you are ;) Thank you! You are truly important in my life.

Lesson RE Learned

I love learning things. I love that just when you think you know what you know, you learn something new. I know this probably doesn't make sense but it does to me :) I was sitting in Bishop Cluffs Sunday School lesson on Sunday. He seemed to be speaking directly to me and he didn't even know it. He said things that I NEEDED to hear. Things I thought I knew but this time they touched my heart. I have clearly been going through a rough time. I have had a tough time forgiving and moving on. But when Bishop Cluff said "have you ever been betrayed by someone you trusted? Hurt by someone you loved?" I thought yeah I have! I have had friends that turned out not to be real friends. People who have cut me to the core. I trust too willingly. I am a sucker. Then Bishop Cluff spoke of Peter who betrayed Christ. Christ willingly forgave him and loved him. WOW. I had not thought of it that way. I am thankful for this new insight.

Also, Bishop Cluff asked "have you ever felt truly alone?" Again I thought Yeah I have! Then he reminded me of Christ at the Garden of Gethsemane. HE was truly alone! Not only does Christ understand how I feel, He KNOWS how I feel. I am so glad that I was in this class. I have heard these things before but this time I FELT it! I am so thankful for this experience. I am thankful for the opportunity I have to go to Sunday School and learn these important principles.

Kiley got baptized this last weekend and it was such a sweet experience for our family. We had family come from out of town and all the family in town came. It was such a special treat to have my brother Dave and his family here from Texas! We rarely get to see them so it was neat. My sister Julie came from Joseph City and brought four of her kids. We are so lucky to have such a supportive and loving family around us.

Kiley was absolutely beaming on Saturday. She loved having everyone there and she loved that she looked like a princess :) She seriously loves to be the center of attention. She asked if I could print out her picture so that we could all be "her biggest fans" and she could sign her autograph on them for us. Uh....NO. It was funny though. I love her spunky little spirit. She is so smart and she truly has an understanding of the gospel that you wouldn't expect of one so young. I love hearing her tell scripture stories and her "take" on what we are reading at any time. She inspires me. I am thankful to have this sweet girl in our family. She makes us all giggle and sometimes crazy. She has this infectious laugh that I love and I am lucky to be her mom.

After she went under the water she said thats it?! I laughed so hard. It is because Cole's baptism was so traumatic and it took forever. She was so ready for this step and got all the way under on her first try. She was so pleased with herself :) I love this kid! And I am so pleased with her decision to become a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

Happy Birthday Kiley "Squeaks" Marie!

This adorable young lady is turning 8 in the morning and I can hardly believe it! It seems like yesterday she was born, sleeping on the floor in my room with an apnea monitor strapped to her chest. This is why we lovingly call her squeaks. She can be heard coming because her breathing is labored. She is such a happy sweet hearted little woman who is so so so excited to be baptized and to be a member of the Church. She has such a strong little testimony and she inspires me to learn more. Here are 8 things I love about this girl!

1. She always has a smile on her face.

2. She is one of the happiest people I know.

3. She is a little mama. (Sometimes this bugs me but today it is sweet ;) LOL

4. She loves to learn new things.

5. She has the cutest little "angel kisses" freckles on her nose!

6. She has the most adorable little laugh.

7. She is very creative, writing poems and songs.

8. She is such a smart girl who truly keeps me on my toes!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KILEY!!

Bath time

Cole and Kiley thought it looked like fun too so they tried it out as well. Silly kids!

Remember when bathtime was this fun??? They had the best time. I gave them both cups and Chase would pour his onto Wyatt and Wyatt would dump his on Chase. This is how I get Wyatt to take a bath when he doesn't "feel like it"

Nemesis

This morning I was trying to figure out what would be fun to do with the kids. I considered a movie but Chase is TERRIBLE at the movies. Then I saw that Karen was home and going swimming so we invited ourselves to go with her. I was considering going alone but with her there is another adult and that is always more fun for me. How LUCKY I was (or Truly Blessed) when I was swimming and suddenly felt a seizure coming on. Usually I get a twenty minute warning before they actually hit. This one was 5 tops! I never would have been able to get all the kids out of the pool in time. I sat on one of the lounge chairs and fell asleep after it was over. I was totally out! I am fried but I am so happy that she was there and kept my kids safe. I learned that I should NEVER take the kids swimming alone in case this ever happens again.

Who Am I?

I clearly have been struggling the last few months but last night I realized something. I don't know who I am anymore. I used to be outgoing energetic and fun! Now I am more introverted and nervous to be around people. I need to find a happy medium and stick to it. I have never experienced that feeling of Who am I? And do I belong here? (At the party, not here on earth ;) I am confused but at least now I know what the problem is. Now to fix it!

Behavior Charts

Yep you read that right. I have created behavior charts. They have only been in effect for 6 hours but let me tell you they work like a charm so far! Cole has always been prone to throw fits. He has a sensory issue and when overstimulated he acts like a 2 year old. Yesterday I had had it! So I made each child their very own chart. Here is how it works:

Every time I "catch" them doing something good, something I didn't ask them to do. Going the extra mile some might say, they get a sticker on their chart. When they get twenty stickers on their chart they will get to go to the dollar store and pick something out.

Every time I "catch" them doing something naughty like throw a fit, fight, or not do what they are asked I put a check mark on the chart. To make up for the check mark they must do two good deeds of MY choosing. Then I will put a little sticker over the big check mark. I want them to still be able to see that the check mark was there.

I think that by making this visual they will be able to see how much extra work it is to "repent" then we can have a teaching opportunity that if we just do what is right in the first place, then we don't have to do the extra "work" to make things right. Time will tell....

Sunday

Sundays in my house are chaotic. I try to enjoy them and I just can't seem to. Here is what happened yesterday. I got up in time got showered and ready, got Kiley's hair done and got her dressed up for church. Andrew helped the boys put on their church clothes and got them some breakfast. Me and the kids were ready at 8:45 so we went without Andrew who had yet to get out of his pajamas. Surely he would be right behind us. We sat down and I had snacks and notebooks to write on. We were all set. Five minutes into Sacrament Meeting Chase starts yelling "A bite!" So I grab the goldfish and start feeding him. Then Cole asks to go to the bathroom. On his way out Wyatt runs to catch up with him. Then Chase decides that his snacks aren't good enough so he starts stealing all the kids snacks around us. SUPER! Then Kiley asks to go to the bathroom. Chase starts yelling and Wyatt is mad that Chase stole his seat. It was ONLY 9:25 and Andrew still wasn't there! I grabbed all our stuff and took the kids out. I was DONE with church! As we walked out the kids were crying because they wanted to stay and Andrew couldn't figure out what whas wrong. We took a drive around the neighborhood so that I could calm down. When we went back I put Chase in nursery and he was fine alone for like 15 minutes and then freaked out. SO....I got to spend the rest of the time in nursery. That being said Sunday is NOT my favorite day of the week...

Bad Day

Today was a bad day. I had a few hours of good though. It is always fun to swim with friends. I have a little gray rain cloud looming overhead. I am overwhelmed. I am frustrated. I am alone. I miss Andrew. He is working like crazy trying to get our little family out of the mess we have. I wish we had a better job. I wish I could help more. I wish my kids would freeze in time. I wish a lot of things. Reality is that they are growing like weeds and keeping them clothed and with shoes is overwhelming itself. I love them. They are at such fun ages. I don't want them to grow up and not need me anymore. I love having a baby and he isn't such a baby anymore. I wish a lot of things but reality always wins in the end. Boo!

Most EXCITING Post EVER!

Tonight I went to a Jewels by Park Lane fasion show. I have a friend who is really interested in starting her business so we thought we would go and check it out. While we were there I Seriously WON over $1,000.00 in free jewlery! Well, I bought some raffle tickets but I was picked by the CEO to win a gorgeous bracelet! YAHOO! I am so dang Excited! They were my favorite pieces too. OH, I also won a $450 bracelet that is going to be ordered!!! Yea for good things to report ;)

Pure Exhaustion

I know I have said before that I am tired but I am seriously more than tired. I am EXHAUSTED! Always. No matter what. I wake up ready for a nap. I don't know what else to say. I know it sounds whiny but I am whiny, its part of my charm. :) It is hard too because Andrew is working all day and all night now so I am taking care of all four kids all by myself. Luckily I have Cole who is so wonderful. He is so helpful and sweet to me. He makes sure that Chase is taken care of and he tries to help me make all the meals. He told me he is going to be a Chef when he grows up because he wants to "feed the world." Gotta love kids... Night nig...zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Doctors

Today I am thankful for knowledgable doctors who do their best to figure out what is wrong with me. I went to the Hematologist yesterday and she asked how I was feeling. My iron levels are better than ever and yet I am more tired than ever. She is checking my thyroid, my Vitamin D, Vitamin B12 and gave me a shot for that. The other thing she is checking to see is if I have Valley Fever. I really just would like to know so that I know what to fix. I am just glad that my Doctor is making sure I get better.

Progress

As you can tell I have done A LOT of soul searching lately... I must say, I am very pleased with the progress I have made. I am a lot more grateful for the blessings in my life. I am so much more aware of things I can improve on and I am so thankful for good people in my life. So much of our time is spent taking for granted the little things in our lives. I am thankful and feel lucky to have this time to reflect and learn for myself what I want in my life. I am so thankful for the ups and downs in my life so that now I can realize how good it really can be. I am blessed to have an amazing family and friends that support and love me no matter what :) I am one lucky woman!

Growing Up

In the past few months I have aged at a rapid pace. There are many MANY things I have learned, some of them by force, and most of them by choice. I am so ashamed at my behavior. I have always thought it was good nature and fun to be sarcastic and silly. What if the person on the other end of it didn't think so? What if my actions and "silliness" caused someone else pain? How selfish and rude of me. I have always had a sharp tongue. I have always lashed first before someone could hurt me. I used to think this was part of my "charm." Truth is there is nothing charming about making someone else feel less than amazing and cherished. I am humbled and mortified by my past silliness. I have learned quite a lesson. I love those around me. I WANT them to feel cherished and loved because they are. I apologize to those I have "stung" with my sharp tongue. I am striving to be better and I am thankful for the moments of clarity when I can learn and grow. What a blessing it is that we can constantly learn and become better people.

Dreams

Have you ever had dreams that rock you to the core? I have lately been having these crazy dreams. I keep telling myself they are just dreams and that they are no big deal. Problem is they affect my entire being. I try so hard to not let them but it is so HARD. I feel bad because I feel like they sometimes take over my day or a few days of my life and attitude. What are your thoughts on dreams??

Service

This morning was our turn to help clean the church. I was tired and Andrew had to work today so I thought we might not go. The kids were appalled by this! WHAT? But it's our TURN! How can you deny them the opportunity to serve the church in this capacity? I quickly got up and got ready so that we could go. They LOVED it! They washed all the windows outside and were so proud. I vaccumed and Chase sat in his stroller observing. I must say, I am embarassed by my attitude to just "skip" it. I am so glad that we went and I am so thankful for the examples my kids are to me every day.

Good People

I was invited to a girls night last night called Conference Club. What is Conference Club you ask? Well, it is where they pick a talk from the latest Conference Ensign and they discuss it. I thought sure I'll go see what its all about. I must say it was so nice to be in a room with women who are doing their best to live by their standards. They were an impressive group. I am glad I went. I am glad to realize that in order to have fun we don't have to go out and do dumb things...We can sit and discuss Gospel Principles and be Spiritually Edified! I had fun and I am glad I went. I think it is wonderful to realize that there really are wonderful examples out there. Thanks for letting me crash the party :)

I Love these Kids! I am so lucky to be their mom and be able to see them grow up ito such wonderful people! I am in love!!!

Little Talker

Our sweet Chase has finally found his voice! I swear it is the cutest sweetest sound in the whole world. I love hearing him "practice" his words. It is so much fun. All the other kids were talking way before now but let me tell ya, it was worth the wait! :) He is so much fun and he has the funnest little sense of humor. I am so lucky that I am his mom! He melts my heart!

Boys

Andrew took Cole and Wyatt to Fathers and Sons two weekends in a row. First weekend was our Ward's and then he went with his brother Chris. They LOVED both of them. I worried that it would be weird not knowing any of the kids in Chris' ward but they didn't seem to mind. Chris brought his Father-in-law and Cole loved "Grandpa Frost" They went and GF let Cole use his hatchet and Andrew let him carry a pocket knife. He felt like such a little man. I love it. They loved being outdoors and enjoying the woods. Wyatt kept asking what those funny trees were. Andrew laughed because they are just pine trees :)

Kiley went with the boys to our campout and I got a phone call saying "don't worry she can still see" What????? Apparently there was a beer can buried beneath their fire and it caught fire and exploded onto Kileys face! She had cuts and burns but was a big girl and only cried for a bit. Andrew was scared. He said it looked like in the movies when a bomb goes off and the person's face is black. Her tongue was bleeding too so she was not happy. She had pieces of can in her chin and forehead. Andrew got them out and played doctor and got her all fixed up. I am so thankful that he was trained in first aid! Now they are all home safe and sound and still a little exhausted :) Good times. Good times indeed.

Sicky's

Yesterday I noticed that Chase was getting more lethargic and cranky so after I picked up the kids from school I took him to Urgent Care. The PA there looked in each ear like three times. He said "well, looks good to me. But could turn into pnumonia or menengitis" WHAT? We left there with no meds because he didn't want to treat what he couldn't see.

This morning I took him to our pediatrician. On my way there Wyatt had a coughing fit so I thought why not get them both checked? So I did. Turns out that Chase has a pretty bad ear infection that is making him throw up and miserable. Wyatt has a sinus infection that has been there for a long time. Why oh why do I never think that Wyatt may be sick? He has been extra crabby which I thought was just because he is 4 and that is what 4 year old stinker boys are like. Turns out he has been miserable and bearing with it. I love these boys. I feel bad I didn't catch it sooner but I am so glad that I can get them better in a few days.

Why?

Why am I having a hard time? I have an amazing family. I have a loving husband who is doing everything in his power to make things better for me. I have fantastic kids who try to do the right things every single day. Of course they aren't perfect but they truly try. Why do I still feel sad? Why do I still get mad? I try to do all the things that are supposed to make you happy. I have been having Family Home Evening. I have been reading my scriptures every day and praying. I am pretty sure that it helps but it isn't a cure all. I am working on it though. It is getting better I think. I just need to work harder. I am thankful for my family that helps me and does what they can to help.

Remember When?

Remember when I was energetic and fun? I want to be that way again. I feel this dark cloud looming over me. I don't like it. I have tried to get over it. I wish I could just stay in bed and deal with it later. I am so tired. I am sorry I am a whiner. The end.

Motherhood

I have been thinking about my role as a mother a lot lately. Sometimes it makes me so happy and sometimes it freaks me out! I am responsible for teaching these special sweet perfect spirits how to become respectable, respectful and kind people. I love them with all my heart. They are my reason for waking up in the morning even when it seems impossible. My anemia has gotten the best of me again :( I love how helpful and kind Cole is. He does all he can to help and I love him for it. Kiley is so sweet. She has a story for any given moment. She can either drive me crazy or make my day. I love my Squeaker Pie. Wyatt is the life of the party. He is so much fun and he loves to be "tricky" He is constantly trying to trick or negotiate what he wants. He can hit, catch or kick anything you throw at him. Chase is my sweety. He makes our family complete. His smile melts my heart. He knows just when to pull the Mommy card. I love that he is finding his voice. He has such a cute sense of humor and understands EVERYTHING around him.

How did I get so lucky? How did I deserve such an amazing husband and kids? I feel amazed that I am able to be with them everyday. I love them more and more every single day. They make my life complete. Times are hard. They are great. I am thankful for the bright spot they are in my life. I am doing everything in my power to not let the "dark" days take me over. I pray for help everyday. I am thankful and feel blessed.

Proud Mom Moments

When I was talking to Cole about the teacher teasing him and that I was going to the school he asked me to let him try to handle it first. I of course wanted to barge in there and take some names but he wanted a chance. YEA! He is growing up. He went to the teacher and took him aside and asked him to quit calling him names. He told the teacher that the kids are also calling him the names and that it was really bothering him. The teacher apologized and said he would talk to the kids. Cole felt so good. He told me he is like a grown up. I laughed because most grown ups I know would have yelled and made a fool of themselves :) But I couldn't be more proud of my little man.

Lucky Duck

I feel so lucky today. My wonderful, amazing and loving husband took all four kids grocery shopping with him today so that I could have a break. It has been a hard day and he knew I would really appreciate the quiet for a moment. Chase had a hard day today. He pushed against the table and knocked the chair over on himself. He had a huge lump on the back of his head. Since then he has been fussy, of course and it has been one of those save me days! I love Andrew. I love that he knows me well enough to know that I would love for him to take them. What a kind, selfless thing for him to do. I feel so blessed!

Teasing

I was just talking to my friend Sarah today about the terrible problem of teasing and bullying. When I went to pick up my kids I found out that one of the offenders is a teacher! Why oh why must teachers add to the problem? If you are a teacher and you are reading this please oh please don't call children names! It escallates on the playground and makes children feel unsafe and small! I am so angry and sad and I don't know what else. I need my kids to feel respected and heard. It will not and cannot be tolerated in our school system!

Am I Crazy?

I stopped taking my medication in January when I discovered it makes me feel and act like a different person. I was on them for depression so I was a little nervous about going cold turkey. When Andrew lost his job we also lost our insurance so it was time to stop them. I had a blessing and I knew it was going to be hard but it was a good decision. I must say, I am glad that I stopped but sometimes I think I am crazy. I have such a short fuse these days. I have no idea what triggers it or why but I can flip so fast. I am doing my best to try to figure it out. I have discovered that listening to church music can greatly affect my attitude. When I start to feel my anger being stirred up if I turn on a church CD I find that I can work my way out of it. I just hope I can get out of it all the way. I am just happy that I have figured that much out.

Value of Family

I have talked about reevaluating my values lately and I have come to realize how off I have been. I have been in the past so focused on having fun and what I can do to be entertained. In my soul searching I have discovered how fun and entertaining my family is. This past weekend we spent a lot of time just together as us. We took the kids to the park and we played baseball. I had no idea what great little players I have! Cole hit the ball straight at Wyatt and Wyatt caught the ball! I don't know who was more suprised, Wyatt or me? It was so cute he was jumping around so proud of his big bad self. Kiley hit a few balls and showed great potential. Wyatt hit the ball and loved every second of it. It was interesting to see the difference in Andrew and I. He is concerned with technique. He wanted to go step by step. I on the other hand prefer to see natural ability and then teach what was lacking in that ability. It was fun to see them improve and enjoy themselves. Such a great time. I am thankful for recent challenges that have forced me to reevaluate my life. What an absolute blessing it has been for me and my children. I am thankful for growth and for a new found freedom and happiness.

Music

I forget how music speaks to me. I was lucky enough to have gone to a little casual performance that my friend Jenny McKinney put on last night. Her music is clearly inspired and you couldn't help but feel the spirit in the room as she shared the stories behind each one. She truly has a gift. I loved all of her songs but there were a few that really spoke to my heart. I want to learn her music. I loved hearing them but I think being able to sing them would really be awesome. What a special gift to be able to put your feelings into music and heal in that capacity. I am in awe of her and feel blessed to have been there and to know her :) I was also amazed at her ability to speak to my Kiley. She has had a really hard time with the death of her friend and one of the songs Jenny sang last night was for her friend that she lost many years ago. Kiley just soaked it all in. After the concert was over she asked if she could go talk to Jenny about Ethan. When we got home she hugged me and told me that her heart felt peace finally. Thank you Jenny for helping my little family without even knowing it!

Strength

I have always considered myself a strong person. I felt invincible like I was out to help the world. Last night I had an epiphany. Just because I FEEL strong doesn't mean I should put myself in the position to test it. Half of one's strength comes from knowing to stay away from things that are wrong. It doesn't mean we can't build one another up and try to be good examples. Sometimes though the example needs to be that we don't even entertain the idea. There is right and there is wrong. It sounds so simple. Why is it so hard? I love this new found rejuvination. I AM strong. I no longer need to prove it :) I will be the person I know I have always been. I only need to fit in with The Savior. Not the world. I am so blessed to have this KNOWLEDGE for myself. I am thankful for challenges and hope to never need them again!

Bunco Buddies

Bunco was so much fun last night. Our friend Lani didn't show up. We decided she needed a little pick me up so we tp'd her house. Her husband came out and caught us. Of course he did it was 9:30 at night and all the doors and windows were open. He came to take out the trash. He laughed and said "I'm not cleaning this up!" What a good sport ;) We had so much fun laughing and being obnoxiously loud and crazy. I am so glad that Tera made sure I went. It was too fun!

Lessons RE Learned

For those who know me, you know I love to be on the go. I don't usually like to be just home and not doing anything. I like to be with people. Talking to people. I have spent so much time away from my home that it has been neglected. Not anymore! I have re learned an important lesson. It is funny how priorities change. Sometimes for bad but sometimes for good. I have been going through a change in life. I have re evaluated my priorities and guess what? I LOVE being in my home! I love cleaning my house and making it nice and orderly. I love to read past Ensign's and re learn the messages that I have forgotten. I haven't had the Ensign in my home because I forget to reorder and when I remember I don't have the money. My mom bought me a few past issues and I sat down with the November 2010 issue with the conference talks. I don't know where I was when I heard these talks but now I can't put it down. I love reading it. Marking it. Trying to apply each talk to me! What a fantastic blessing in my life. I am so thankful for these simple teachings that can help me Re Evaluate my life!!

Tenderness

My sweet little Kiley is tender in her heart. The new kid in her class was insensitive and said that he was lucky a kid died so he could get his spot in school. Kiley came home in tears. She was so upset by this. She couldn't get to sleep. Her teacher gave them all a postcard with several pictures of Ethan on it. I let her take it to her bedroom thinking she would put it next to her bed but no, she slept clutching onto it. I feel so bad for her. We have spent hours and hours talking about the fact that Ethan is in Heaven With Our Father In Heaven. He is happy and he feels no more pain. I try to get her to remember him happy and silly but she has such a hard time. Any suggestions???

This special little boy inspires me. He makes me NEED to be a better person. He needs me to be his mom and to teach him the correct way to be a man. I love him and I LOVE Love love that he prays with me and the kids. I am one lucky mama ;)

Lessons

I loved listening to Conference this weekend. It was as if the leaders of The Church were speaking to me. I felt such an amazing spirit in our home. It was the first time that our kids actually sat still and listened. I will admit Chase was in bed but all of the others were awake, in the room, and quiet. HOW did it happen? I have no idea. They were impressed by it too. Kiley was in awe as the Prophet got up to speak. I was inspired to be a better person. I loved the talk about what we do isn't necessarily who we are. It doesn't define us. I am a Daughter of God. He loves me. He knows me. He guides me and through Him I can handle lifes challenges. What a great reminder! I have been struggling with forgiveness. That was another talk that I felt was really directed at me. Forgive others, forgive yourself. I am working on it. I really am. I am just glad to know that I am on the right path. I am doing all that I can do and it will make me so much stronger. I am so happy to have my family that love and support me through anything. They are truly wonderful and I am blessed to have these people in my life!

Life is Fragile

The little boy in Kiley's class passed away on Sunday :( Kiley was devastated! This little boy was so loved and such a fun little guy. He was a little stinker on field day. He kept yelling "Kiley's mom, look over there!" and then I would pretend to look and he would sneak on our obstacle course. He was such a cutie. She had a really hard time. She spent time with the School Counselor and her biggest question was Why would God take someone so young? Such a big question. Many people I am sure are asking the same question. I told her that his mission here was complete. Now he gets to go live with Heavenly Father! He is not in any pain and he is completely happy. She begged to go to the funeral. I debated but in the end...we went. I could not be happier that we went. Turns out I went to EAC with his Dad. The funeral was so sweet and the Spirit there was SO strong! Kiley came home and sat with Andrew and quietly said. You know dad, Ethan is going to be fine. He is being taken care of and he is happy! She said she felt the Spirit and it felt like peace. What a special moment for us to share. I am glad that I was able to leave Chase and Wyatt with my parents so that Kiley and I could share this moment together. What an amazing sweet tender spirit she is. I am so blessed to be her mommy.

Teaching Opportunities

Kiley got in the car yesterday and seemed upset. When I asked her why she was sad she handed me a letter. During school the class was told that one of their classmates had died. She was so sad! Of course she was! Death is hard for a child to really grasp. Later they came in and told him that they had been misinformed and that he was in critical condition. WHAT? Why would you not check your facts before you tell a bunch of 2nd graders?? She is so confused. Now she is freaking out that maybe people we thought were dead aren't and we buried them alive! I talked to her and tried to explain things to her. I am not happy that she has been so confused. I wish they had sent home a letter saying what had happend and then let ME tell her if he died or if he didn't. We had a big discussion on death and what it means. Wyatt looked at her and said "Don't freak out! He GETS to live with Heavenly Father again!" I love these sweet spirits who teach me every day what it means to make a real difference.

Happiness

Happiness is a tricky little thing. Did you know that you can choose to be happy? I know it sounds simple but it is true! Who knew that I had so many choices to make. I am so happy to know that I have made the mistake of choosing to let other people affect my happiness. I am thankful for that period in my life though. It lets me know how great life really is. I am thankful for the chance to be a mom and a wife to an incredible man.

Why the change of heart? It is because I have faced my own mortality. I was driving on the freeway and had all four kids in the car. We had had a terrible day. All the kids had been fighting and I was frustrated to be by myself while Andrew was at work. An older lady was driving in front of us and slammed on her brakes! I looked over and she seriously had pulled out a map while going 70 mph on the freeway! I swerved out of the way and lucky for me I have three men that taught me all about what to do in that case. (They all were test drivers for GM) I felt the wheel slipping out of my control and I was able to set it right and get the Suburban under control. I was very blessed to not have any cars to my left where I swerved. I went over 3 lanes and the kids were so scared. Wyatt is the only one who got hurt. His head hit Chase's carseat and bruised his ear pretty bad.

I am thankful to be alive. I am thankful for second, and third and fourth chances. I am thankful that My Heavenly Father was looking out for me and my little family. All I could think was that Andrew was going to lose his entire family in an instant. It was so sad and scary. I am glad that I can learn from this experience how much I need to be here for my family and enjoy every second of it!

St. Patricks Day

We had a fabulous St. Patricks Day thanks to Grandma Porter. The kids were so excited to go have a "treasure hunt." Grandma made a scavenger hunt where the kids found clues and at the end was a pot of "gold" My niece Ivy wouldn't let go of her "loot" she was afraid that someone would take it :) Chase just ran around and loved all the kids around him. He truly loves to be outside and free! Grandma had a feast perfect for kids. We had hot dogs with relish, cuz they had to be green of course. We also had green jello salad, chips in a green bowl, green soda in green cups, green olives (not a huge success). We also had them decorate their own cookie with a clover in green gel and they had green popsicles. They loved every single minute of it. I had some seriously hyper kids on the way home but when the sugar wore off they crashed! I am so thankful for a mom that can be so creative and does these things for my kids to look back on and remember so fondly.

Resolve

I have decided to have a March resolution :) I am going to start small cuz lets face it, it will be hard. I am from today for the rest of the month only write positive things. I will not feel sorry for myself. I will not look back and be depressed. I will live life moving forward, enjoy my kids, and make every moment count! I hope that by the end of the month I will want to be happy all of the time. I remember when I used to be... Ah the good old days :) I am not this sad sack person that I have become. I won't let a few mistakes take it out of me!

SO, today I am so grateful for some amazing kids! Cole got up this morning and changed Chase's diaper (who knew he even knew how), then he gave Wyatt and Chase both cereal and they all had breakfast together. I LOVE having a big kid that wants to and ENJOYS helping. What a special boy he is to me. I am grateful for Kiley who is always wanting to hold my hand. She wants to be right by me whatever I am doing. She tells me she is trying to learn how to "handle her future". What a silly girl. Gotta love her! I love watching Wyatt try to entertain Chase. They are so much fun together. We will miss Wyatt next year when he is at school. I am also so grateful for my special blessing Chase. He is so HAPPY! I mean always. The kid makes the funniest grumpy faces that you can trick him out of. I just love it!

So, I am off to a good start. I love my life. I love my family. Who needs anything more??

KiDs ThEsE dAyS

Yesterday was our neice's baptism and Andrew had to work. I took all four kids, all by myself, to the baptism. We had promises of reverence... I should have known. During the talks Kiley and Cole were fighting over who was going to "help" me with Chase. He was doing great on my lap btw. I was so annoyed. I didn't get mad until Cole reached over and pinched Kiley and then she hit him back. Really? Have we ever been to church? They know how to act. They knew when I looked at them that they were busted. I packed up all my stuff and took them to the foyer. Kiley was sassy so I sent her outside. Alone. How in the world does it happen that the two best behaved kids were the little ones?

Wyatt showed me though. During the confirmation I was chasing Chase who had discovered that the stand had a microphone, and Wyatt and Kiley were fighting over Wyatts train. During the prayer Wyatt yells "she took my train!!!" I was beyond mad at this point. I grabbed all four kids and shoved them in the Suburban. We were supposed to go to Andrew's sisters house for a luncheon after. I was NOT going to do that alone too so I took them home. They were crying and suprised that I would "ruin" their day. WHAT?

When we got home they became my slaves. They swept and mopped and cleaned the kitchen. Now this was not part of my punishment. They did this to themselves. I didn't ask them to do it. My punishment was simply missing the party. When I went to bed last night I found a note on my pillow and some silk flowers taped to the back of it. It said "Sorry 4 our bad behavyour Love, Cole, Kiley and Wyatt" How cute is that? I can't stay mad when they tried so hard to make up for it. It is incredible what a little effort to show you are really sorry will do. I am proud of my little cutie pies. They make me smile and want to scream and want to sit and snuggle. I am lucky to be their mom and watch them become incredible little people.

Friends???

How do you know if a friend is a good friend? You have to hit a rough patch. If they stay, are still kind, and don't judge you then you have a keeper! I have always had a difficult time deciphering which is which. I have not always been a good friend. In fact, I mess it up almost always. I guess you could say I am an expert. I just wish, oh how I wish, that I could find one of those truly rare people that will just be my friend. Through thick and thin. Actually, I do have a few. You know who you are. You also know if you are not. I just think we should all stop and think about the kind of person we are. I have been judgemental, and blind all at once. I can tell you this though...I will not Not NOT make the same mistakes again!

You Have GOT to be kidding me!

Chase is all done done teething and is his fantastic, cute, happy self... Now we are teething again! Chase? No... KILEY! She knocked out her front three teeth 5 years ago! Now they are coming in and she has a fever. LAME! It is pretty hilarious though. Teething at 7 1/2. She's a trooper though. This all started on my birthday. Yea for me! LOL she was so sad because she thought she ruined it. Nope. She is a sweety and I can't wait to see her with a full set of teeth!

Poor Kid

Last week I was convinced that Chase was deathly ill. My mom and I took him to the Doctor (I have no insurance) so it cost me $90 for them to tell me he was teething and had giant sores on both sides of his mouth from biting them. REALLY? So, I took him home and started the whole motrin, tylenol game. He has been COMPLETLY miserable. He didn't eat or sleep for days which means neither did I. He went 2 days with barely wet diapers and no bm's. I was so worried. However, he is a drooling fool but I think we have finally turned a corner. He is laughing again! Oh how I have missed that beautiful sound! He smiles at me again and he even cuddles with me ( a side effect from the mouth I'm sure) I just hope it will last. I love having him sit and snuggle with me. Two weeks of torture and 4 molars later I think we are on the road to recovery.

Moving On

I am at a point in my life where I am ready to move on. I have always lived in the same place and been friends with the same type of people. I am ready to broaden my horizons and become a new me. I need an overhaul! I tried to dye my hair...Yeah, when you have it black and try to dye it red= Black hair with red roots :) Hilarious and yet fine. I cut it off. Great. Now I need a big change. I need to get out of my woe is me attitude and become the person I know I can be. the person who is kind and loving. The person that is happy and bubbly and doesn't take crap from others! I am the master of my destiny. From this day on I am going to be the woman that I know I want to be! Just thought I'd warn ya ;)

11 Wonderful Years

Tomorrow Andrew and I will be celebrating our 11th Anniversary. I feel closer than ever to this wonderful man. I am so thankful for a husband who is my best friend and confidant. He is fantastic! Here are 11 wonderful things that we have been through together.
1. Our wedding...It was the best party in town! I remember the reception like it was yesterday. I had so much fun!
2. Our first apartment...we lived in Farmstead Apartments. Our first apartment was more like a closet. It was 435 square feet of bliss.
3. Cole...the birth of our first child. One of the happiest days of my life.
4. Buying our first townhome. A place to call our own for a while.
5. Kiley...the birth of our second child and only girl ;)
6. Andrew switches careers by getting a job at The University of Phoenix.
7. Still in school...
8. Wyatt...our third child and one of the best sportsmen I know.
9. Buying our first HOME. We have moved so many times that it is fantastic to have a place to stay for a while.
10. Chase...the birth of our last baby. He is a joy and such a sweet and happy person.
11. Andrew graduated! And we are persuing other possibilities for employement thanks to UOP :) We are excited to see where it will lead.

Through love and forgiveness I am able to say that I have been truly blessed with an amazing husband who is my forever best friend. I would be nothing without him and our little family :)

When it Rains it POURS

I have been trying so hard to have a good attitude. It is hard! Yesterday I was feeling okay and when I got home I walked in to a flood in the kitchen. I was not happy at all! WHY? Why now? I was not pleased and very frustrated. Andrew found out that the hose connecting the washer to the wall is broken. We are not good with fixing these types of things so Andrew just turned the water off to the washer. I just hope it goes up from here.

I've been Inspired

I am going to tell on my sister for a bit. Hopefully she won't mind or get embarassed...something tells me she won't ;) So my sister Shellee has been inspirational to me lately. This is one tough yet truly loving chick! She has a beautiful little miracle named Olivia who is gorgeous and has Spina Bifida. This past week Olivia had shunt failure and Shellee had to rush her into the hospital and have surgery to alleviate the pressure on her brain. I, would have fallen apart, Shellee grabs the bull by the horns and does what needs to be done. She is brave and always looks at the bright side. I have started calling her Pollyanna. I think it is fitting and hilarious.... She has this spiritual side to her that I don't know if it is new or if I was to dumb to notice before. She truly is amazing though. I am proud to call her my sister and I hope that IF I grow up I can be just like her. Thanks Shellee for being my inspiration :)

Timing is Funny

It is amazing to me how timing is everything. I have found lately that there are people put in your life just as you need them to be there. I am so very grateful and blessed to have such people in my life. I am writing this down so I can come back and remember it when I need it. :)

Sometimes I find myself so angry and the next minute so sad. Yesterday Cole came home from school and he seemed totally fine. When Andrew got home from work Cole broke down and told him how kids can be so mean to him at school. The kids on the playground call him stupid and tell him he is a nerd. I feel terrible that I have been so unapproachable that he wouldn't come to me with this. I sat and listened to him cry. I realized how very alike we are. We had a chat just him and I and we came to some conclusions...

1. NOBODY can make us feel what we won't allow them to. Just because people tear us down to make us feel like nothing doesn't mean that it is true. WE can CHOOSE how we react to these mean people. The funny thing was I was listening to myself tell this to Cole and that is when it hit me that I do it too. Probably more than him!
2. Nerds own everything! I hope he is a nerd. This mama wants to get paid! :) He is so smart. He is so thoughtful and He takes care of everyone around here. Who would be mean to this sweet tender spirit??? He is amazing to me and I am dumbfounded by kids. And yet it is to be expected. Someday these kids will realize how lucky they were to have known Cole. He can make me laugh, cry in a good way and he makes sure that I am happy.

I am so thankful to have my family. I am constantly amazed by their sweetness and how much they care for each other. How did I get so lucky???

Valentines Day

This Valentines Day is going to be very creative. Wyatt wanted to take treats to his class. I can't afford to buy anything so this morning we spent an hour tying balloons and making swords for everyone in his class. He couldn't be more pleased. I am so happy because it is all I've got ;) He has a way of making things feel special. He told me I am the best mom EVAHHHHHH! I love him. We even made one for Chase who feels very special to have one.

Andrew left me a balloon flower with a note written on the stem. I love him and the way he makes me feel like everything will be ok. Last night he did the dishes, he rubbed my feet and he did the laundry. He is incredible and I am thankful that he is in my life. He makes everything seem better. I am grateful to have such an amazing husband. How lucky am I???

Changes

I recently stopped taking my medication in hopes that I can "feel" again. I really feel like they alter my perception and prevent me from feeling the full effect of my decisions. In doing so I feel like I have been hit by a truck of emotions. I am also more aware of stupid choices I make. They can be small and yet have big affects. I am trying. I am growing but the process seems so slow. I wish I could just hide and come out when I am ready. I am constantly embarassing myself by doing dumb things. I wish I could redo a ton of things. I am going to take some time to isolate myself for a while and only do things that I Have to do. I need time to reflect. I need time to figure things out. If I have offended you, I apologize.

Good Friends

I am thankful today for good friends. I have been blessed with some really great people in my life. I love that my parents are some of my closest friends. They do so much to ease my pain and lift my spirits. I am thankful for their love and acceptance. I also have a group of girlfriends that are willing to listen to me whine and are always accepting and give good advice. There is one in particular that I find truly a kindred spirit. When I have a rough day she can always find a quote or a conference talk to fit my day PeRfEcTlY! She is truly inspired. What would I do without her? She knows who she is and she is wonderful. She is forgiving and accepting and willing to put up with all my dillusional breaks ;)

I was going through my scriptures and in college I went to institute and there were always quotes up on the board so I started writing them in the cover of my scriptures. I found one that I found especially inspirational at thist time...

"A friend is someone who when you make a mistake, doesn't think you've done a permanent job!"

I feel blessed to have people like this in my life. I am also so thankful for a forgiving and amazing husband who stands by me. He is truly my everything! I am so Blessed to have him in my life. I am amazed by him every day. I wish I could find a way to show him how amazing I think he is but for now this will have to do. I am thankful for 4 amazing wonderful children. They make my life full and complete. I don't know how I deserve them but they make me smile, laugh, cry and sometimes CrAzY! How lucky am I????

What are you thankful for???

Wyatt is growing up :*

My Wyatt is one of the coolest kids I know! Today said my favorite Wyattism yet! He looked right at me and said "Mom, I am going to make my own sammich, not because you aren't good enough but because I gotta grow up sometime!"

When did my little boy turn into a little man? Who am I kidding? He has always been a little man :) He has always been amazing to me and to everyone who knows him. I just am sad that he is getting so big. He is almost 5 and he is in the 3rd percentile for height. I knew he was tiny but who knew he was that small. He has this amazing ability for anything athletic. He can shoot a basket in a grown up basketball hoop, he can ride a bike since he was three on a two wheeled bike, he can do anything he sets his little heart on. For Christmas we got a trampoline. I showed the kids how to do a front flip and a front handspring. Wyatt turned right around and can do both. I am amazed at his agility. I wish I had even a fraction of it.

I am so lucky to be a mother to wonderful children. I am thankful that I have the chance to be a part of their lives.

Priorities

I know my posts have been somewhat cryptic lately but I have come to learn some valuable lessons. Today was an especially hard day for me. I have so many regrets and I am extremely angry at myself. I know how I want to live my life. Why do I feel like the adversary is trying to pull me down at all times. Just when I feel like I am making progress I get another shove. I was talking to a friend and she shared that when I feel this way I should give service. She is RIGHT! It doesn't even have to be something huge. Get out there and make someone smile. It will do wonders for your disposition! These are the things I am CHOOSING to make my priorities:

1. My Family: I will be there for them at all times no matter what is going on around me. MY children need me to be there for them! Andrew needs me to be the wife and mother that I have always been in the past!
2. The Church: I will be fully involved in all church activities! I will do my best to take full advantage of the blessing the Gospel is in my life.
3. Education: I am going to try to learn something new every day. I need to further my knowledge on anything I can to broaden my horizons.
4. Friendships: I am going to harbor good friendships with people who build me up and make me see the good in myself and others around me. I have been such a negative person lately and that has Changed! I am happy to be here. I am happy to love my family. I am happy to be happy!

The atonement is real. I am not done yet. Far from it. BUT I know it applies to me! I will take every opportunity I have to make things right. I am so thankful for the knowledge that I have of the truthfulness of the Gospel.

Lessons Learned

While going through trials you have to make a choice. You can either choose to let it eat you alive or you can choose to take control of your life and change. I choose CHANGE! I commit to doing what I know is right. I am a strong person who knows what is right and what is wrong. I will make better decisions about my life and go full steam ahead. I choose to choose the right. I choose to follow Christ's example. I choose to love my family. I choose to be a wife and mother. I am a Daughter of My Heavenly Father. I will make him happy with my decisions from here on. I will not let my past decisions get me down. I am stronger than that. I love my family. I love the Gospel and I love that I KNOW those things!