Challenge

Our ward has challenged us to focus on things that we are thankful for. I realized today that I have really been focused on the negative and today, right now I am changing my attitude! I am bigger than this. I am stronger than this! I am a happy, outgoing, loving, fun and friendly person! No one and no thing can change who I am! It is good enough! I am good enough!

I have great friends who love me exactly how I am. I have a family that loves me unconditionally. Times are hard and just because they are hard doesn't mean that these things don't matter. They matter more than ever, really. I love these people who care about me always. Most importantly I have a Father in Heaven who LOVES me! I MATTER to Him! I am a mother to his precious children and I think I do a pretty good job. I am thankful He has trusted me with these sweet spirits. They are the most precious thing to me and I am BLESSED to be their mother.

Sometimes we just need a kick in the pants to get on the right path. Thanks for the sore bum :)

GRADUATION!

Andrew graduated yesterday! I must admit, I was NOT excited to take four kids to go sit and wait to hear Andrew's name called out with 1,300 other students. I will now admit I wouldn't have missed it for the world. I was teary eyed when I saw him walk into the room in his cap and gown. I am not an emotional person and so this was new to me :) He looked so happy! This has been a long time coming. When they called out his name I cheered. I cried. And I managed to get an excellent photo that one day I will retrieve off of my Mom's camera. Lol. It was really difficult to keep the kids entertained but thankfully my mom went with me to help keep them contained.

What a special treat for our children to see this amazing accomplishment in their dad's life. Our lives will forever be better because of his sacrifices. He does so much to provide and take care of our family and I will be forever grateful to have him in my life. Andrew is an amazing father and husband. I feel blessed every day...well almost every day ;) to have him in my life. He takes care of us and loves us for who we are.

After graduation we had a family luncheon and then a party to help us celebrate right! It was so much fun. We were lucky to have our friend Ryan come and set us up with some karaoke! We had a blast. Even the kids got in on it! It was so cute to watch this adorable little people sing and dance and have the time of their lives. On the way home Wyatt said. Mom, thanks for the best day of my whole life! :) Melts my heart!

I feel incredibly blessed with some amazing friends that will come and support all that we do. Thank you for coming to show your support for Andrew and his Brother Chris who got his Masters Degree. It was so much fun having them graduate together! I really loved having all the old friends come and all of our newest friends there too. It was a special night that I hope to always remember :)

Girls Weekend

This past weekend I spent with some of my favorite girls. I learned a lot of things...Some of which I cannot and will not share :) First I remembered something huge. I am a woman. I am fun and I have needs. I loved being able to just be me for a while. I knew the kids were doing great. Andrew is a great dad and he is very capeable of taking care of the kids for a weekend alone. Second, I learned that women need good women in their lives. I am so blessed to have these beautiful women around me. Autumn is spirited and fun. She makes me happy to be around. Brittany is adorable and gently keeps me in line. (She too cracks me up!) Jess is a little more reserved...until this weekend. Turns out that girl knows how to play! And finally there is Hiedi. She was so much fun to get to know. I know she will tell me how it is even if I don't want to hear it :) What a blessing it was to get to spend 3 whole days with these incredible women. I had the time of my life and can't wait to go again!

Climbing out of a Hole

Lately I have felt like I wanted to crawl in a hole. My life has been turned upside down. I feel like I am going insane and turns out, I am! I have a problem. I am sick and I need help. I have tried to deal with this all on my own. I finally saw a Dr. who gave me some meds to help and it seems to take the edge off. I have finally turned to Andrew and we have talked about everything that goes through my brain. It is nice to have someone who understands exactly what I am going through. It helps that I have some amazing friends who are willing to listen to me whine and moan on an almost daily basis. This seems to really help. I just wish I could be my normal happy self again. I miss her she was delightful :)

Hmmmm

A lot of people have been asking about what is wrong with me. I realized that I have not come out and said that I suffer from extreme depression. I usually wouldn't post this on a blog or anywhere where i will have to actually face what is happening to me, but I felt it important to spread the message.

I am usually a very happy, loud, and boisterous person. Since my last baby I have suffered from depression. I LOVE him and I LOVE to have him around. It is nothing like that at all. He continually saves my life. It is good knowing that someone needs me and is completely dependent on me. He is a joy and all of the kids are my world.

I feel sometimes like I don't do enough. Like I will never be enough and that is when things get very dark for me. I sometimes feel like they would be better off without me. I however, realize that this is an irrational thought. I can usually talk myself into calming down and seeing the bigger picture. I am seeing a doctor for this problem and I am being medicated. I think i have finally found the right fit for me and barring any crazy mishaps I should be ok.

I really just want people to be aware of people around them and how they are feeling. When I am overwhelmed it is probably not the best time to confront me with things from the past. I can usually handle most things but lately I am just not myself. I promise I will be back....I just can't tell you when :)

Overwhelmed!

Some days I feel like life is perfect. I have a fantastic husband who is my equal in every way. Actually he is better but who's counting? I have four beautiful healthy children and we have jobs. What could be wrong?

Other days I feel like my world is crashing down on me and I am suffocating. I don't know what to do with myself and then I see this beautiful helpless baby who needs me. He needs me so that he can exist and be happy. How do I do this when I can barely get myself out of bed? There are times when I feel like a complete screwup and that I offend everyone around me. I wish that these days would be rare but lately they are coming more and more often. I feel helpless. I feel worthless and I feel hopeless. It is times like these when it is necessary to rely on the Lord and ask him for His guidance. I do the best that I can. I know this is depressing and I don't mean to put it on those that read my blog. However few that may be. I just needed to write it down and express how I feel.

I feel like my feelings don't matter. Everyone else wants to be heard. When is it my turn? Everyone else gets to feel. When is it my turn. Everyone else gets to be happy. WHEN is it my turn??? I am drowning here :(

Surgery

I had Ablation surgery today and let me just say...I hope to never have to do that again!
The surgery itself was a bree ze. Afterall, I was asleep ;) However, when the anesthesiologist and his nurses worked on me is another story. The nurse put in an iv into my hand and missed. She had to take it out after having me hold the iv tube while she looked for tape. Then they put it in my other hand and had a little trouble with that one. When I went back into the surgical room the anesthesiologist tripped on my iv tube and almost ripped it out of my hand....Needless to say, I was not very pleased. Dr. Jarem was fantastic as always and did a great job, I think :)

I feel like a truck has run over me a few times and I am completely exhausted but I'll live.