Hmmmm

A lot of people have been asking about what is wrong with me. I realized that I have not come out and said that I suffer from extreme depression. I usually wouldn't post this on a blog or anywhere where i will have to actually face what is happening to me, but I felt it important to spread the message.

I am usually a very happy, loud, and boisterous person. Since my last baby I have suffered from depression. I LOVE him and I LOVE to have him around. It is nothing like that at all. He continually saves my life. It is good knowing that someone needs me and is completely dependent on me. He is a joy and all of the kids are my world.

I feel sometimes like I don't do enough. Like I will never be enough and that is when things get very dark for me. I sometimes feel like they would be better off without me. I however, realize that this is an irrational thought. I can usually talk myself into calming down and seeing the bigger picture. I am seeing a doctor for this problem and I am being medicated. I think i have finally found the right fit for me and barring any crazy mishaps I should be ok.

I really just want people to be aware of people around them and how they are feeling. When I am overwhelmed it is probably not the best time to confront me with things from the past. I can usually handle most things but lately I am just not myself. I promise I will be back....I just can't tell you when :)

Overwhelmed!

Some days I feel like life is perfect. I have a fantastic husband who is my equal in every way. Actually he is better but who's counting? I have four beautiful healthy children and we have jobs. What could be wrong?

Other days I feel like my world is crashing down on me and I am suffocating. I don't know what to do with myself and then I see this beautiful helpless baby who needs me. He needs me so that he can exist and be happy. How do I do this when I can barely get myself out of bed? There are times when I feel like a complete screwup and that I offend everyone around me. I wish that these days would be rare but lately they are coming more and more often. I feel helpless. I feel worthless and I feel hopeless. It is times like these when it is necessary to rely on the Lord and ask him for His guidance. I do the best that I can. I know this is depressing and I don't mean to put it on those that read my blog. However few that may be. I just needed to write it down and express how I feel.

I feel like my feelings don't matter. Everyone else wants to be heard. When is it my turn? Everyone else gets to feel. When is it my turn. Everyone else gets to be happy. WHEN is it my turn??? I am drowning here :(

Surgery

I had Ablation surgery today and let me just say...I hope to never have to do that again!
The surgery itself was a bree ze. Afterall, I was asleep ;) However, when the anesthesiologist and his nurses worked on me is another story. The nurse put in an iv into my hand and missed. She had to take it out after having me hold the iv tube while she looked for tape. Then they put it in my other hand and had a little trouble with that one. When I went back into the surgical room the anesthesiologist tripped on my iv tube and almost ripped it out of my hand....Needless to say, I was not very pleased. Dr. Jarem was fantastic as always and did a great job, I think :)

I feel like a truck has run over me a few times and I am completely exhausted but I'll live.

Happenings

A lot of things have been happening in our house. First, and most importantly is Chase is MOBILE! I cannot believe my baby is crawling! He truly gets on his knees too. He is so cute crawling around into everything. His favorite is that he found the toy boxes. He thinks it is so hilarious to dump them all out. He can also pull up on anything. I wake up in the morning and he is standing in his bed. When I open my eyes he jumps and says "HEY!" It makes my morning.

The other thing that is happening is that I will be having surgery on Tuesday. It is an outpatient surgery to try to help my anemia. I have to get iron IV's every single week. When I was pregnant they didn't hurt but they sure hurt now. I couldn't feel my fingers for a few hours. It was really strange. I am having ablation surgery to try to stop myself from menstrating. I am praying that this will work because I would LOVE to have some energy again. I have just been so tired. Cole is always worrying about me trying to help me take naps.

So, that is pretty much it. Any prayers would be welcomed. I am really scared to have this surgery done. I have a hard time getting numb and I have nightmares that I will be able to feel everything. I know this is crazy talk but I am worried.

School!

I can't believe I haven't posted about school yet! I have been so excited about it. I mean, the kids, the kids have been so excited about it. Cole is in 3rd Grade. His teacher is Miss Watkins. Kiley is in 2nd Grade and she has Mr. MacLay. She could not be more excited to have him :) Wyatt is in Preschool. He got into the First things First program at Taft Elementary. He goes Monday to Thursday for three hours a day. His teacher is Mrs. Jennings. He LOVES her! She can do no wrong.

On the first day of school, Cole and Kiley didn't want me to walk them to their classes because they are big enough! They let me take their picture and ran away from me. :) Wyatt's first day was hilarious. I wanted to take his picture at his desk and he said to me "get your picture and go!" He cracked me up. I took my picture and asked him for a kiss when he replied "MOM! People will SEE!" Everyone started laughing so hard. He gave me a quick kiss and I left. No tears, no protesting. Wyatt didn't cry either :)

It is going to be a great year!

New Endeavors

In order to help my family I have started selling a product that I love and will have fun selling. I am now working for Jewels by Park Lane. I love jewlery. I love people. What could be a better fit? I have already done my first show and it was a great success! I love being able to sit and look at shiny objects with other women ;) If anyone reading this is interested in ordering or in hosting a show, let me know. I would love to come.

Porter Family Reunion

We just got back from our family reunion. We had so much fun! We go to Greer every other year and stay in cabins. This year we got to stay in a cabin with my sister Julie and her family. We take turns making the food. And we alternate days being in charge of the activities for the day. We chose to teach all the 30 grandkids, (minus Spencer who was at boot camp for the Air Force Academy) balloon animals. They had so much fun. My nephew Aaron picked it up really quickly and can make a mean dog.

It was really fun and at times exciting. For instance, the time when Cole fell into a patch of Stinging Nettle and was screaming at the top of his lungs that he was burning to death. When Andrew tried to wash it he yelled "Call the Police" I had to laugh because he wanted to call the police because his dad was washing him! Priceless. Cole was old enough this time to pretty much run around and not need our supervision at all times. He also went on a 6 mile hike and made it to the top. Andrew on the other hand, did not. He made it in a mile and turned around. He had bought new boots the day before and they were NOT broken in. Cole was so proud that he was able to make it. At the top, Uncle Dave gave him some M&M's and Cole said "Uncle Dave, you're a keeper!" I guess we like M&M's.

Kiley had so much fun running around with all the little girls. She is always surrounded by boys so this was a treat for her. She loved having girls to play with and talk to. With her breathing problems she didn't get to go on the hike but she stayed back and helped with all the babies.

Wyatt LOVED going to the reunion! He never went inside unless it was dark. He Loved playing with Jeffery and Joseph who are five but he thinks he is five so it didn't matter :)

Chase didn't like the reunion as much. On our way to Greer he popped out his first two teeth and had a fever. When we got there he was allergic to something and broke out into a huge rash. He loves being home and being able to sit and watch the other kids.

I had a lot of fun playing rook with my brothers and dad and other games with my sister and sister in laws. We missed my sister Shellee who wasn't able to go because of a difficult pregnancy.

We are home and happy and can't wait to see everyone again. Maybe we'll take a roadtrip.....